Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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