i wish my penis had a tongue
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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