someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
