I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
