i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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