The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
