hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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