Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
