I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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