I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
