youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
