i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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