I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
