Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The air taste purple.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
