Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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