I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
