I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
