I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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