The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
