ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
