You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
