I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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