I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
