I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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