I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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