Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
