He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
