Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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