anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
