Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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