Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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