If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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