there's paper in my vomit.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
