The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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