I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
