At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
