If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
