mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
