you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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