hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.