I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
