Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
