Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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