i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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