Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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