Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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