One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
