Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
