If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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