i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
