just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
