I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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